Through Her Eyes
by abbygrrl89
Summary: TITLE CHANGED!CHAPTER 7 UP! 2 years after the movie. Mimi's POV. Reviews would be greatly appreciated.
1. Chapter 1

I couldn't believe I'm back here again. The walls were a chalky gray, not like the nice and comforting hospital walls you see in movies. And walking through those double doors just made me remember all those painful memories I tried to leave behind. Hospitals were never good to me; it was where I found out I was positive, and this is the place where I watched my best friend slowly pass away.

_I sit on the bed by her feet, watching her breathe in and out. It looks as if every gasping breath she takes would be her last._

"_Hey Ange, do you want something to drink?" I finally ask, breaking the silence._

"_That would be great chica. Thanks." She smiled her sweet angelic smile at me._

_Standing up, I made my way to the little fridge Benny bought for us. He's been so great the past couple of weeks; paying for the hospital and giving us some money for some food, and I haven't even gotten the chance to thank him yet. Roger doesn't like me talking to him, no matter how well Benny's been treating us. Things are changing between him and me, and neither one of us are saying anything about it. But I guess we were never really good with words, so silence is usually the only option._

"_So how are you and Roger doing?" she asks me._

"_Umm..." she knows something's wrong, Angel knows everything, and sometimes I hate it, "We haven't…really said much to each other since Joanne and Maureen's party." I say casually as I start pouring water in a cup._

"_Oh…" she says quietly. I haven't heard the end of it yet._

"_Mm-hmm…" I drop a straw in the cup of water and handed it to her. "But I should be leaving soon. It's getting late."_

"_You know, Mark and Roger are gunna be visiting soon." She points out, "You should stay."_

"_Umm, I've got some stuff to do at home and I gotta stop by at work to get a couple of things." I said quietly as I get up._

"_You can do that tomorrow, can't you? I don't wanna be alone…" she says to me softly, she knows I'm lying. She knows me too well. _

_Silence from my end, "At least stay until they get here…" she finally says. "Please?" I look at her with a sigh and I nod my head as I sat back down on the bed. "So…what are you thinking?" she asks me._

"_That I really want some huevos rancheros right now." I reply jokingly. She laughs a little bit and starts coughing into her palm. _

"_You're thinking about Roger." She finally says after her coughing spell._

"_Is it that obvious?" I laugh._

"_Just a little bit…" she says with a slight smirk._

_Again with the silence._

"_He loves you, you know…" she says softly._

"_Well he sure has a funny way of showing it." I laugh sarcastically as I look down at my feet._

"_He's just scared, he doesn't want what happened to April, happening to you. He doesn't want to lose you, that's all." I don't say anything. "Just talk to him Mimi…you know you want to."_

"Can I help you?"

I snap back to reality. "Oh, umm yea, I'm looking for the room Roger Davis is in."

"What relation do you have with Mr. Davis?" the nurse asked me, as she looked at the computer.

"Oh, umm, I'm Mimi Marquez… I'm uhh…" I paused…what exactly was I to Roger these days? The nurse looked at me, waiting to finish my sentence. "…I'm a friend of Roger's…" I said.

She looked at me doubtfully and went back to look at the screen, "Umm… he's in room 702, just go straight ahead, it's the last room on the right."

"Thanks." I said, as I start walking away.

The walk to the room seemed like an eternity. Why am I just getting here? I ask myself. Roger's been in the hospital for almost 2 weeks and I was at home not even bothering to answer the phone when Mark called to tell me to go visit with him. Or when he would stop by before he went to the hospital. I know I should've gone with him but I didn't want to… I couldn't…

_"You know, he's waiting for you..." he says, "He doesn't want to go yet because he's waiting for you."_

"_I know Mark..." I whispered, as I felt my eyes start to tear up._

"_He loves you Mimi…he wants to see you." He says softly. I clasp my hand over my mouth trying to stifle the sobs. _

_He puts his arms around me and kisses my forehead. "I know this hurts, and I wish I could make you feel better about this, but I can't. This is all up to you Meems, and I know you want to see him."_

"_I'm scared Mark…" I manage to say. "He's not suppose to go yet…I don't wanna see him like that."_

I got to the room, and all I could do was stand there and stare at the door. It's now or never Mimi… you're wasting time.

A nurse comes out from the room. "Oh! I'm sorry."

"It's alright." I laugh, "I shouldn't have just been standing there."

She smiles at me. "Are you a friend of Mr. Davis?"

"Yeah…" looking down at my feet. "How is he?"

The smile she had on faded away and she looked at me with a sorry look on her face. "He's not doing too well, he doesn't have much time left."

"Oh…I see." I whisper.

"I'm sorry." She says softly. "He's sleeping right now, but he should be waking up soon, he told me earlier he's waiting for some company." Mark must be at work today, I thought.

"Ok, thanks." I smiled.

"No problem." She said as she walks off. I gave a sigh and finally opened the door.

He looked so tired and weak. I tried to hold back the tears as I sat down on the chair beside his bed. I took his hand in mine and put my head down. Why was this happening? I'm supposed to be the one on this bed right now. He's not supposed to be in any pain…at least not yet.

"Mimi?"

I look up to see his gorgeous face staring down at me, making me want to kiss him right then and there.

"Hey…" I whispered, wiping tears off my face.

"I've been waiting for you." He says gently as he tries to sit up.

"I know baby, I'm sorry it took me so long to get here." I said, "I've just been –

"I know…" he whispers as he closes his eyes. I looked at him and thought about how much he means to me. I don't want to let him go, there was still so much I wanna say. But somehow, I couldn't say it.

"Meems?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you…" he barely manages to say, "did you know that?"

I nod as I wipe away more tears. "I love you too…"

He smiles in his characteristically gorgeous smile and kisses my hand. He seemed so calm, and I sat there terrified of what's going to happen not too long after this visit.

"Are you scared?" I ask him. He looks away. I knew he was fighting back tears. Typical Roger trying to act all macho even when he knows it would be okay to show his emotions right now. "'Cause you know, I'm terrified." I said. I wanted to just cry out and tell him everything; I wanted to tell him exactly why it took me so long to visit, and how I don't want to lose him, because ever since that Christmas eve we met, I have never felt so loved…and for the first time, I knew I finally gained something, I finally had something to lose, and at one point, I was completely petrified…but I liked it.

"I'm scared of not being with you…" he said, as he finally looks at me with sad eyes. He turned his head to the side as he starts to cough. My heart was crushed into a pulp as I watched him. He was dying, and I couldn't do anything about it. I turn my head away. I can't stand seeing him like this. But I don't want to leave him, I don't want to let him go.

"I'm tired…" he finally says after his coughing spell.

"Go to sleep." I said, "You need rest."

"If I go to sleep, I won't wake up…and I don't think I'm ready for that yet."

I got up to lay on the bed with him and I took his hand into mine. I lean closer, tight-lipped and silent. And he says, "I'm glad you're here."

"So am I." I tell him, truthfully.

I knew it was time to say goodbye, he's exhausted, and he's not getting any better. So what was keeping me from saying goodbye? And what was keeping _him_ from leaving?

"Mimi?"

"Hmm?" I manage to say, barely a sound at all.

"Promise me that you'll get through this." He whispers. I look at him, not knowing what to say.

"Promise me you won't leave ok? I need you here."

"I'm not going anywhere Roger, I'm staying here until you fall asleep." At that point, I was willing to agree with anything.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it…just promise me please?"

I kissed his lips softly. "I promise…"

He smiles and nods weakly, "Now go to sleep ok? You need to get some rest." I say softly.

"Will you be back tomorrow?" he asks sounding hopeful.

I look at his eyes and nodded. "Of course I will." He nods one more time and falls asleep.

"Adiós mi amor," I whisper in his ear, "consiga por favor mejor."


	2. Chapter 2

The cold January air blows against my face and I felt my eyes beginning to water from the cold. The sunset looked so peaceful and calming. It reminded me of the times when Roger and I would go sit up on the roof and watch the sun go down; his arms around me, trying to keep me warm, and my head on his shoulder.

"_What are you thinking right now?" I ask him softly as he gently rubs my back._

"_The future…" he replies casually, still looking in the horizon. I look at him disbelievingly. Why is he ruining this? It's almost as if this is all he thinks about. Everything's still going fine, the doctors say we're both healthy…why does he always have to bring it up. "The future I wanna have with you…" Whoa…is this Roger Davis talking? Since when does he think about _that_ future?_

"_What?" I must've heard him wrong…Roger NEVER talks about that kind of future._

_He looks at me and smiles, and gently moves me so I was between his legs. "I see a nice little house in the suburbs, and we can have a nice front porch where we can watch our kids play outside." He says as he puts his arms around my waist. _

"_Our kids?" I ask, not believing what I was hearing._

"_Yea…do you not want kids?" he laughs._

"_No…I mean, yes…of course I want kids, I just didn't know you did." I tell him, still a bit surprised. _

"_Of course I want kids. Can you imagine little Roger Juniors running around?" he laughs._

"_God forbid." I say jokingly. He laughs gently and I could feel his lips next to my ear as we both stare at the beautiful sunset in front of us in silence._

"_So, you're gunna need me a lot then, aren't you?" it was more of a statement than a question._

"_Does that scare you?" he asks me, sounding a little taken back._

"_Yeah." I reply, pulling him closer to me. He smiles and kisses along my collarbone that gives me shivers down my back. I close my eyes and imagine the picture of the future he just painted for me._

It was like a nightmare I couldn't get out of. I want to go see Angel; I want to hear her comforting voice telling me it's going to be alright. She always knew just what to say, she always had a way for everything to work out and she's always right.

I walk through the cold wet grass in the cemetery. I haven't been here in so long that I'm surprised I don't even have to look at every gravestone to find Angel's.

I stare at the cold gray headstone and thought about how much I missed my best friend. Everything seemed to be falling apart and the only person I wanna talk to about it, isn't here.

I sat down on the grass opposite the headstone, not caring about how cold and wet it was. "Hey chica…" The words just slipped out before I even got the chance to stop it. "I know it's been a while since I visited…there's just so many things going on, and it's all happening so fast that I'm having trouble trying to process all of it." I sat there dry-eyed and tight lipped as another cold breeze blows my hair from my face.

I look down at the ground with a sigh. "I really wish you were here, Angel…I think I need you now more than ever." I slowly get up, wondering if she can hear me. Well either way, being there made me feel better. I just wish I could hear her voice one last time. "I miss you chica." I say softly, "Watch over us ok? Love you."

I make my way out of the cemetery and looked back at her grave. I miss how things were 2 years ago. I miss the times when we would all spend every chance we get with each other. I barely get to see Mo and Joanne anymore. Collins and Mark are always at work, and me…well I've been a bit occupied.

"Mimi!"

I turn around to see Mark running towards me. "Hey Mark."

"Hey." He says, out of breath. "How's it going?"

"I'm alright." I laugh. "Where are you going?"

"Umm… I was about to go visit Angel…" he says softly. I didn't know he still goes there.

"Oh?"

"Yeah…were you just there?" I nod, looking straight ahead, not saying anything. "Hey, are you alright?" he asks me. I wonder if he knows I went to see Roger today.

"What? Oh…yea I'm fine. I didn't know you still go to see Angel." I point out.

"Oh, yeah, I go all the time, after work." He replies.

We walk in silence down the dark street, the streetlights glowing down at us.

"I go there and I talk to her. It helps me get my stress out you know?" he finally says, breaking the silence. I look at him for a minute and look away.

"Mm-hmm." I say quietly. "I went and saw Roger today."

"Really?" he looks at me disbelievingly. "That's great Mimi. I'm glad you did"

I smile weakly at him and he smiles at me back. "He's not doing too well." I point out.

"I know…" he says softly. "But I'm sure you made him happy when he saw you. He's been asking me every day to take you with me when I visit. Always saying he wants to go home and see you. He reminds me of a little 3-year-old sometimes." He laughs quietly.

I smile to myself, not saying anything. Mark's always been the strong one of the group. And I've always adored his strength. Him and Angel, they always seem to find the good in people. They always looked at the bright side of life.

"Hey do you wanna go to the Life or something? Grab a bite to eat? Collins should be at the loft right now, we could go and get him." He offers. I am pretty hungry, and I haven't hung out with either of them in a while, so, why not.

"You paying?" I ask him jokingly.

He laughs at my remark. "I just got paid yesterday, so I'm at liberty to spend however much money I want right?" I'm glad we could talk like this again, it's been awhile, and I missed it…oh how I missed it.

We walk to the loft, talking and joking around like we used to. At least, now I know, I'm not alone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: this chapter's not that great lol..sorry. but i'm glad you guys like it so far )**

Mark opens the door to the loft. Wow, I haven't been here in so long, it feels nice to be here again. It's unusually warm in here; I guess they finally got heat.

"Collins! You in here?" Mark yells.

Collins emerges from Roger's bedroom, not looking up from the papers he's reading. "Yeah, I'm right here. Joanne called asking if we wanna go get something to eat. Should we call Mimi? We haven't seen her since Roger –

He finally looks up. "Mimi!" he walks over to me and gives me a hug. I've always loved his hugs. They were warm and comforting, like Angel's.

"Hey Collins." I say with a smile.

"How's it been? I haven't seen you in a while." He says happily.

"She saw Roger today." Mark says softly.

Collins' smile fades away. "Oh."

Awkward silence creeps up on the three of us.

"So, where are we meeting Jo and Maureen?" I ask, trying to sound as cheerful as I could.

"Oh, right, umm, the Life... in about 10 minutes, they said." Collins replies.

"So let's go then. We've got a lot to catch up on." Mark says with a smile.

The three of us made our way out of the loft as Collins puts his arm around me. "I'm glad you're back Meems." He says softly with a smile.

"So am I." I reply.

We walk into the Life Café and realize that the two aren't there yet. "Let's sit over there." Collins points to a table in the back, by the bar.We walk over and I see the back door that led to the alley where Roger and I found out about each other. That was two years ago, and I remember it like it happened yesterday. I smile to myself as I remember his lips finding mine with ease.

The three of us sits down and the waiter comes and asks us what we want. "Can you give us a minute, we're still waiting for two of our friends to get here." Collins says to the waiter nicely.

"No problem. I'll be back in a couple of minutes then." The waiter smiles, and walks off.

"Oh there they are!" Mark says looking out the window, and sure enough, there were my two friends, walking in.

"Mimi!" they both said together. They ran towards me and give me a big hug.

"Hey guys." I laugh.

"Wow! We missed you!" Maureen says happily, as her and Joanne takes a seat.

"We're glad you're back Meems." Joanne smiles.

It's just like old times. I wonder how I would ever get by without these people…the thought itself gives me shivers.

We walk to the loft laughing and joking around like we used to. For the first time in weeks, I feel like I'm whole again.

The phone rings just in time as we walk into the loft.

"You guys want a beer or something?" Mark asks as he opens the fridge, ignoring the phone.

_SPEEEAAAAKK! _"Mr. Cohen, this is Dr. Roberts, I called because of Mr. Davis. He –

Mark runs to the phone and picks it up. "Hello? Yeah, what's wrong with Roger?" We all stand there and stare at Mark talking into the phone…what was going on with Roger? It was almost 1:30 in the morning…why would the hospital call so late? "Ok…umm…we're on our way. There's five of us coming…no, Roger would want us all there…ok…thank you." He hangs up the phone gently, but doesn't look up.

"What's wrong Marky? Is he alright?" Maureen asks.

"Umm…we've gotta go…" he says softly, putting his coat back on, still not looking at us.

"Mark, what's going on with him?" Collins asks as we all put our coats back on.

"The doctor said he's not waking up…he's still there but his breathing's not right…" he replies quietly. He's fighting back tears, and we all knew it. I sit down on the couch, I feel like my whole world is about to fall apart. I just talked to him a few of hours ago; he couldn't have gotten worse that quickly.

"Meems?"

I put my face in my hands, trying to stifle the sobs.

"Mimi, we've gotta go…he doesn't have much time left." Joanne says gently as she puts her arms around me.

A pair of bigger hands lifted my face from my hands. "Mimi, listen…I know this hurts, and I wish this was all just a bad dream and I can wake up from it soon…but this is real, and we've gotta face it sooner or later. Right now, Roger needs us there with him." Mark says softly. I slowly get up, wiping away tears.

"Alright, let's go…" Collins says sympathetically.

We walk out of the loft, fearing the worst.


	4. Chapter 4

"Mr. Cohen?"

"Yeah, that's me." Mark says to the doctor.

"I'm Dr. Roberts…you might want to get in there now. He doesn't have much time left." He says sadly.

Mark opens the door to Roger's room. He does seem more drained out. He's still breathing – more like gasping for breath – but he's still unconscious.

"Oh my God…" Joanne mutters under her breath.

Mark stands beside his bed and I take the chair on the opposite side and take one of Roger's hands in mine, I've never tried so hard to hold back my tears.

"Do you guys wanna be alone with him for a couple of minutes? The three of us can stay outside for a bit." Maureen offers.

"If you guys don't mind…" Mark replies softly with sad eyes.

"No problem." Collins whispers as they walk out of the room.

I stay seated looking at Roger. I grip his hand a little tighter and I feel his hand squeeze mine.

"Roger?" I look up to see his eyes start to open.

"Hey guys…" he whispers softly "Where's everybody else?"

"They're outside Rog…how you feelin'?" Mark asks gently.

"I've been better." He laughs weakly. "How are you guys?"

I laugh between my tears "Oh, we're fine…we just want you to get better alright?"

He smiles at me weakly and says, "I think it's almost over for me Meems…I don't think I can hold on much longer."

"Don't say that Roger, you'll get better. Just hang in there, buddy." Mark says to him softly wiping sweat off of Roger's forehead.

"Can you guys get Collins and the others? I wanna see them."

"Sure thing Rog." Mark says as he opens the door to let our three friends in.

"Hey man…you feelin' alright?" Collins asks as he walks over to the bed.

"Hey you guys, I'm glad you're all here." Roger says gently before he starts coughing violently. I got up on the bed, holding him tightly. At that moment, I remembered the times when he used to hold me as I cling to his neck, holding on for dear life. He used to wipe away my tears, whisper gentle words into my ear as he rubs my back. He made the bad feelings go away when I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.

_I look around; shadows everywhere. I can't make out anything. I need a fix; it's on my night table, I just need to reach over…where is it? Where's my night table? Where am I? This isn't my apartment…where are my stuff?_

"_Shh…it'll be okay baby, I'm here." I feel a pair of arms around my body and I hear someone whisper into my ear. I look up at him. Who is this person? And where am I? This isn't my apartment…or… is it? My stash isn't here…maybe I moved the night table earlier? I don't know…I can't think! It's cold…and I can't stop shaking. Just calm down Mimi…breathe…you'll be fine…_

"_It's me Meems, I'm right here, I'll protect you…" I look at him again, confused. Wait…those eyes…I remember those eyes…I know him, he brought me back before…Angel told me to go back to him…he sang to me…_

"_Roger?"_

"_It's alright baby…I won't let anything hurt you, I promise." He says to me gently, holding me tightly and I cling to his neck, shaking uncontrollably._

"_Roger…I need a fix…please…I need to make this go away…please Roger…just once, and that'll be it…please!" I whimper. I need a hit…I want out right now…I can't do this anymore._

_He shakes his head "Do you want something to drink?" he asks._

"_I just need one hit Roger…please…just one…just to make this go away…please…"_

"_No, Mimi." He says, firmly this time._

"_You don't love me! You don't care about me! Or you wouldn't let me go through all this hell!" I cry out, I'm yelling now…but I don't care…I need my stash..._

"_Mimi, you can do this. Don't give in, it'll be over soon." He whispers in my ear as I struggle in his arms. I'm so tired. I just wanna go to sleep. He holds me tighter and I finally give in; he gently rubs my back and I rest my head on his chest._

"_Don't leave me…please…" I softly whisper between sobs._

"_I'm not going anywhere baby…I'm not going anywhere…" _

"I'll go get the doctor." Joanne said as she quickly ran out the door.

"I'm fine…really…I'm –

His coughing continues and the doctor comes in. "Just keep giving him ice chips…he might not be able to keep water down." He said softly before heading out again. They weren't able to do much. We went through the same thing with Angel, and we pretty much already know the process.

"Thanks for coming here guys. I really appreciate it." Roger quietly says as he squeezes my hand tighter.

"We're glad to be here Roger." Maureen said, giving his forehead a kiss.

He nods and smiles weakly. "I just want you guys to keep going when I'm gone. Alright?"

"We'll be fine Roger, don't worry about us." Collins says gently.

"Can I just talk to Mimi for a few minutes?"

"Sure…we'll be outside." Mark replies as they walk out of the room.

Roger looks at me and smiles. "Are you ok?" he asks.

"Yeah, I'm fine…how are you?" I ask mockingly with a laugh.

He laughs at my remark and kisses my hand softly. "You know my black leather jacket that I always wear?" he asks me.

"Yeah?" I reply, a bit confused.

"You still have it right?"

"Yeah, I think so. Why?"

"I just…there's something there that I needed."

"Oh. Do you want me to go and get it?"

"No, it's a bit too late now anyway." He says with a bit of disappointment in his voice.

"Ok." I say quietly, as I rub his arm.

"Remember your promise ok?"

I look at him again, confused.

"You promised you would get through this. You've been strong throughout this whole thing, and I want you to keep going." He said to me softly.

I look away, trying to hold back the tears yet again. He tugs at my hand. "Mimi…promise me."

"I promise…" I said gently. Nodding, his eyes shut peacefully and the grip on my hand loosened.

In a panicked choke, I quickly get up from where I was sitting "Roger?" No! This isn't happening! "Wake up baby. Please Roger, wake up!" I yell as Mark and the others run into the room.

"Meems? What's going on?"

"He's not waking up Mark! Help me!" I cry out, still looking at my beloved's weak and frail body.

"Mimi, he's gone." He says, pulling me away.

"No! He's not gone! Get the doctor! They can still save him!"

I can feel the others' staring at me, not knowing what to do.

"Meems, there's nothing they can do." Collins says pulling me into his arms.

"Let me go! He's still fine…" I dissolve into body wracking tears, holding my face into my hands. "He can't be dead…we were suppose to have a future together." I cry silently. I sob his name over and over again until every last ounce of strength in me is gone.

I feel Maureen and Joanne kneel down on either side of me and rub my back. "It's alright sweetie. He's not in anymore pain."

Mark helps me up and pulls me into his arms. "Shh…it'll be okay. He's fine now…" I nod my head, and he tightens his arms around me. I look up at him and I see tears rolling down his cheeks and it only makes me cry harder seeing him that way.


	5. Chapter 5

It's been almost a month since Roger died, about 21 days since his funeral. I've been staying at the loft, and sometimes I go to Maureen and Jo's. I try not to talk about it with anyone, it hurts too much and I couldn't say two words before I start crying my eyes out.

"Are you sure you're gunna be alright sleeping here tonight? You can stay at our place however long you want." Joanne tells me sincerely, as she helps me unpack my stuff in my apartment.

"I'll be fine Jo. I can't run away from this place forever." I say as I start putting my clothes into my dresser.

"Fine, just call if you need anything. I'll be at work all day but Maureen should be home. And if she's not, just call Mark's place, if Mark's not there, Collins should be there and don't forget to take your AZT–

"Joanne!" I grab hold of her arm to get her to stop talking. "I'll be fine, and besides, Mark's right upstairs, I'll go up there if I need anything but I doubt it. So get to work, you're gunna be late."

"Alright. I'll call you later tonight." She says with a sigh.

"Ok, thank you." I said as I lead her out of my apartment. "Have a good time at work, sweetie." I say sarcastically.

"I'll see you later Meems." She gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and walks out the door.

I look around at my apartment and gave a sigh. I haven't moved anything in this stupid place. I couldn't put myself up for it; there are still some of Roger's clothes from when he used to spend most of his nights here. I pick up his black leather jacket that he used to wear all the time and brought it up to my chest. I remember him saying there was something in the pocket that he needed. I go in the pocket and take out a little velvet box. I stare at it for a moment and suddenly burst into tears. I can't even open it…this was what he was planning to do. I rush upstairs to the loft and open the door.

"Mark!" I yell, not sure what exactly I was doing up here. I see him sitting on the couch with a coffee in hand.

"What?" he looks up at me confused.

"What is this?" I hold up the little box with tears in my eyes.

"Oh my God…" he whispers, putting his head down.

"Did you know he was gunna do this?" I ask him forcefully. He says nothing but just keeps his face in his hands.

"Why didn't you tell me, Mark! Why didn't you tell me he was gunna do this!" I cry out as I drop on the cold floor, still clutching the little velvet box in my hand.

I feel him put his arms around me and hold me tightly. "I didn't know he was gunna go through with it, Mimi. He told me he wanted to ask you to marry him but that was it. He was rushed to the hospital the next day. I didn't think anything of it, I didn't know he already got a ring." He says to me sadly. "I'm sorry you had to find out that way."

Nothing comes out but quiet sobs from my lips. "Do you want anything to drink?" he offers, helping me up.

"No, I should get back downstairs. I've still gotta unpack my stuff." I say quietly as I start wiping tears off my face. He nods his head and walks me to my apartment downstairs.

"Are you gunna be alright, Mimi? I can stay here with you if you want." he tells me.

"No, it's alright…I'll be ok." He nods as he puts his arms around me and gently kisses my forehead. "I'll be upstairs ok? Just come up if you need anything." He says softly. "Thanks Mark." I whisper before I close the door.

I can't sleep. I slowly get up from my bed and open my dresser where I put the velvet box that I found earlier. I sit on my bed and stare at the little box, dry-eyed and tight-lipped. I can't believe he was gunna ask me to marry him. I waited for that moment my whole life, and now, it's gone. I look around at my apartment. I hate it. I hate it all. I start to feel my eyes start to burn with tears. I pick up my coat and head outside.

"Damn." It's raining. Ugh, as if I'm not depressed enough. I put my hands in my pockets to warm them up and start to wonder where exactly I was going. It's 3:00 in the morning and it's raining…where am I supposed to go?

"Who the hell would knock on our door at 3:00 in the morning?" I hear Maureen yell inside.

"Guys, it's me." I say, as I knock on the door.

"Mimi?" Joanne's voice, and yet, the door's still not open.

"Yeah, can you guys open up? I'm freezing."

The door opens and Maureen hugs me tightly. "Honey, you're drenched! What are you doing here?" she asks me disbelievingly. Joanne puts a warm towel around me and leads me to the living room.

"I couldn't sleep…I'm sorry. I should've called." I say softly, a little embarrassed.

"No sweetie, you never have to call. You can come here whenever you want." Maureen says as she rubs my arm. Joanne hands me a shirt and a pair of sweat pants.

"Here, you're gunna get sick if you stay in those wet clothes." She tells me gently.

"Thanks guys." I head to the bathroom and changed.

"So…" Joanne starts as I get out of the bathroom. "What?" I ask her trying to sound as confused as I could.

"What's up?" she asks as I plop down on the couch between them.

"Nothing…and you?" I say sarcastically.

She laughs at my comment and finally gives in. "What's going on Meems? Anything you wanna tell us?" Now it's Maureen's turn to interrogate me.

"Umm…I was going through Roger's jacket and I found this." I take out the velvet box and put it down on the table in front of us. I look at them both, and their eyes widened at the sight of it. "Yeah." I say quietly.

"He was gunna propose?" Joanne asks still not taking her eyes off of the thing. "Mark told me Roger was thinking about asking me, but he didn't know Roger already got a ring. He didn't have the chance to ask me cause he was rushed to the hospital the next day…and I didn't visit him until the day he –

I stop there. I couldn't go on, the tears start instantly without any build up. All of a sudden, they just start rolling down my face and I'm gasping for air.

"I'm so sorry Meems." Maureen says as she puts her arms around me, and Joanne wipes away my tears as she rubs my back. "Do you wanna stay here tonight? I don't have to wake up early tomorrow. We can watch movies and eat popcorn and we can go shopping tomorrow, sound good?" she offers with a smile.

I nod my head and laugh between tears. "That would be great Jo." I say giving her a kiss on the cheek, and then Maureen. "I don't know how I would get by without you guys. Thanks." I tell them truthfully.

We spend the next few hours watching The Wizard of Oz on TV since it was the only movie on, which was completely weird seeing as no decent kid would be up this late…or early in the morning for that matter. But Maureen enjoyed it; she says that the Wicked Witch of the West is her favorite character, which doesn't surprise me one bit. Maureen always loved having power over people.

"And like, I don't get why everyone hates her, she just wants what's best for the city of Oz…I think she's just misunderstood." She points out with an "as-a-matter-of-fact" tone in her voice. Joanne and I laugh at her comment and continue watching the movie.

"Meems, I'm sorry to bring this up…but have you looked at the ring since you found it?" Maureen asks me, as we get ready to go out for our day of shopping. Joanne was in the shower while Mo and I sat on the couch sipping coffee.

"Ummm, no I haven't. I couldn't put myself up for it, but I guess I should take a look shouldn't I?" I said as I pick up the little box.

"Well…I mean…if you want to." She says sounding a little uncomfortable. I open the box and I could feel my throat start to burn and my eyes start to tear up. It was a gold band with a diamond in the middle and two other small diamonds on each side. This is what I wanted…and he remembered.

_"So what do you wanna do tonight?" he asks me as we walk hand in hand down the street._

"_I don't know, we could go – _

_I stop at a store with a big glass window showing beautiful necklaces and rings. _

"_What?" he asks as he stops walking. _

"_Hmm? Oh, sorry. I just…" I begin to say but couldn't finish. That ring…it was so beautiful._

"_That one?" he asks pointing at it. "You like that one?" _

"_It's gorgeous, don't you think?" I say, still not taking my eyes off of it. "It must be really expensive though, huh?" I smile, as I start to walk off._

"_One day Meems, you'll be wearing that ring on your finger." He says with a smile._

_I laugh at his remark. "Well, don't try and rob a jewelry store for me now, Davis. I don't think you'd last two days in a jail cell." _

"_Yes I could!" he cries out sounding like a 7-year-old. "Come on Roger, there are no mirrors in a jail cell. You'd die without looking at your hair for more than 2 hours." I say teasingly._

_He stops and thinks about this for a few seconds and says, "Maybe you're right Meems, living with no heat and going on for days without food I can take…but…no mirrors? No thanks." _

_We both laugh and continue our way down the street with the streetlights glowing down at us. _

"What's wrong Meems?" Maureen asks as she sits down beside me.

"This ring…it was just what I wanted…and he remembered." Here come the tears.

"What?" she asks me sounding confused.

"It was about 3 months ago." I begin as I wipe the warm tears away from my eyes, "I told him this was the ring I wanted…and he remembered." Maureen leans closer to me and looks at the ring in the box.

"Mimi. It's gorgeous!" she says with a gasp. "How was he able to afford this?"

"I have no idea." I say softly, not really sure if I really wanna know the answer


	6. Chapter 6

We walk in the loft clutching about six bags from our day of shopping. Collins was sitting on the couch reading the Village Voice and Mark sits on the windowsill sipping a cup of tea. Seeing him reminds me of when Roger used to sit on that ledge by the window when he was having a bad day. I never understood why he used to like staring out that window. We live in the East Village. There's nothing worth watching, unless you like watching people smoke a blunt on the sidewalk, or angry homeless people yell at each other.

"Hey you guys!" Joanne says cheerfully as she takes a seat next to Collins. Maureen gives him a kiss on the cheek and sits between Collins and Joanne. I go to the kitchen and start preparing myself a cup of coffee.

"What have you guys been up to all day?" Collins asks giving Joanne a look that probably meant "Good you kept her busy. No shooting up today…"

"We went shopping." She says with a smile. "Meems did you have fun?"

I nod as I take a sip of my warm coffee. She gives me a small smile and looks back at Collins. "How you feelin' today, Meems?" he asks me trying to sound casual. Mark probably told him about the ring.

"Uhh, I'm alright." I lie, looking down at my drink. I wasn't feeling well at all. It felt like my head was spinning, probably from lack of sleep.

"That's good…" he says, just loud enough so I can hear what he was saying.

I try to stand up but couldn't. I put my hand on my forehead and breathe in. My stomach starts to twist and I barely make it to the bathroom in time.

All four of them rush in behind me and Maureen holds my hair out of my face, as I empty my stomach in the toilet. Collins grabs a face cloth and runs it under cold water before handing it to me.

"Are you alright?" Joanne asks as I slide into her arms and she gently rubs my back.

I tell her the truth. "I don't know. That was completely out of no where."

"Maybe you should go see a doctor." Mark finally says, "See if everything's okay."

I nod my head in approval. They all look at me worriedly and to be honest, I'm not scared at all.

"This will only sting a little bit, Miss Marquez."

I nod my head and look away as the doctor slid the needle in, drawing blood from my arm. I've been clean for almost a year and yet I still cringe at the sight of needles. No more pain, no more withdrawals…I'm finally getting my life back on track. I hold my breath as I feel the doctor pulling the needle out. Yeah, "only sting a little bit" my ass, I can already feel it start to bruise.

"All done." She smiles weakly, "The results should be in by next week. We'll give you a call."

She doesn't strip off her gloves until my blood was safe in a case labeled "HIV+" on one side. She catches me looking and gives me another brittle smile. I wonder if she thinks I was just another stupid kid who screwed up her life before it even started.

I pull my sleeve down without even bothering to put on a band-aid. I thank her softly and made my way out the door.

"How'd it go?" Maureen asks me as I walked toward her and Joanne.

"She said the results would be in next week. So I guess I gotta come back." I say tiredly as I rub my arm. They nod their head and we walk through the streets in silence.

_**One Week Later**_

"Do you want us to go with you?" Joanne asks sounding worried.

"No, it's alright." I tell her with a weak smile, "You guys have been more than enough help. You should go out or something, I'll be back in a couple of hours."

They both smile at me and give me a hug. "I'm sure everything's fine." Maureen says reassuringly.

"Can I help you?"

"I'm Mimi Marquez. I'm supposed to get my results back from when I came last week." I tell her through the little window.

"Oh, right. Here they are." She hands them to me with a smile on her face.

"Thanks." I say as I give her a weak smile.

I don't like how it feels to walk through the streets alone, reading a piece of paper saying whether or not I was gunna live or die. I don't like the feeling of reading it while people brushed passed me, completely alone.

I stare down at the piece of paper. My T-cells are low. But for some reason, I'm not worried or scared. I probably won't even make it to Christmas and I'm not even scared. I guess, being scared or worried is an understatement. The feelings weren't anything new. I'm pretty much used to it. It's all I've ever known, fear, pain, grief and loss. I ran away from home, became a stripper and a junkie and became HIV positive…all that, before I was 19.

And then I met Roger. And for some strange reason, he made me wanna keep going. He made me wanna better myself. He gave me a reason to hold on when I wanted so much to let go; he saved my life.

"_Fuck!" I say out loud. Where are my damn keys? The room is spinning and every once in a while I start to forget where I was. I lean against the door, and gave a sigh._

_The door opens and I fall into someone's arms. "Oof! Oh hey Roger!" I look up at him and smile, trying to act as normal as I could. _

"_Mimi, where the hell were you?" he asks looking at me suspiciously like he already knew the answer. He shuts the door behind us and before I had a chance to walk away, he grabbed hold of my arm and turned me around. "Mimi…"_

"_What? Why do you always have to ask that Rog? I was at work." I manage to say as I got away from his grip. I'm so out of it and I start to wonder why exactly I even came home tonight. He reaches over and grabs my arm again, turning it over and seeing the track marks on my skin. He looks up at me, and I look away._

"_Why Mimi?" he asks as he pulls me into his embrace, "Why do you do this to yourself?" I look up at him before I pull myself sharply away. _

"_I'm going to bed…" I say as I head off to the bedroom. _

"_Fuck, Mimi! Every night you come home high, and every night I wait for you, hoping that maybe you decided not to get fucked up tonight! Why the hell do you keep doing this?" he yells._

"_Oh, and who the fuck are you to lecture me, Roger?" I snap back, "You think you're so perfect now that you're off drugs, well you know what, I don't need this bull shit right now." _

"_Look at yourself! You're a fucking wreck! I don't even know where you are half the time, and I cant even remember a time when you were with me for more than an hour, much less a time when you're off getting high!"_

"_There you go, making me out like some worthless junkie again! Come on Roger! Cut me some fucking slack!"_

_He breathes in deeply and shakes his head. "I can't help but worry about you Mimi. I wanna help you…but I can't if you keep pushing me away like this. Let me help baby…please…" he sounds desperate now," I just…I don't wanna lose you."_

_Standing still, I stare at him; letting the words he just said process in my head. I've never heard anyone say that to me before…I've never had anyone care. Slowly, I walk up to him and he puts his arms around me, my fingers gripping his baggy sweater tightly._

"_I'm sorry…" I whisper softly and I feel his lips against the side of my head. He pulls away gently and moves his mouth to mine, kissing me again. I wanna return it, I wanna give him a kiss that would be better than any of the words that I could ever say, but I couldn't…instead, a shiver goes through my body. He leads me to the bedroom, and lays me down on the bed. He lies down next to me before pulling the blanket over us and clings to my body tightly as he whispers soothing words in my ear until my breathing becomes steady and he holds me tighter. I hear him give a small sigh as he moves my hair out of my face and whispers the three words I've been longing to hear just before I slowly doze off._

"So is everything alright?" Mark asks me as I walk in the loft.

"My T-cells are down…" I reply casually as he hands me a cup of coffee.

"Oh…" he asks, sounding a bit confused.

"It means my immune system is down." I say as I start reading the newspaper and take a sip of my coffee.

He stares at me for a moment and sits down beside me. "Well, you're taking this really well." He says softly.

I continue reading and nod my head. "No use dwelling on it, is there? " I glance sideways and I see him shake his head and look away.

"Now don't get all depressed on me Cohen." I say with a quiet laugh as I rub his back, "It's really not that bad. It just means I gotta be real careful now. I may still have a chance."

He nods his head and smiles, not saying anything.

"So…where is everybody?" I ask, changing the topic.

"Umm, Collins is at work and he wont be back until later on tonight. And Joanne and Maureen are out somewhere." He says softly looking down at his coffee.

I nod my head, not knowing what else to say. Maybe I shouldn't have told him about what happened at the doctor's. He seems to be slowly losing himself each day.

"So I guess it's just us then…" I say trying to sound as cheerful as I could. He gives me a small smile and looks away again. "Let's watch your old films. From like…2 years ago…I wanna see what I looked like then." He looks at be unbelievingly for a minute and laughs.

"Are you sure? I mean…no offence Meems but you were still such a kid then. All those ridicu- I mean…interesting outfits you used to wear. Do you really wanna see that?"

"Just shut up and grab the films, Cohen."


	7. Chapter 7

"So what do you guys wanna do tonight?" Maureen asks with a small sigh. We all sit in the loft in silence; Joanne and Collins sit on the couch, Maureen sits on the floor leaning on Jo's legs, Mark sits on the duck taped chair and I find myself sitting on the window ledge, looking out at the lights of New York. Yeah, I told them about my current HIV status, which, unfortunately, isn't helping our current mood.

"The Life?" Collins asks sounding completely desperate for something to do. We all shake our head.

"We always go there…" Joanne says with slight frustration in her voice. "What do you wanna do Meems?"

"Hmm? Oh, let's stay in tonight…" I say with a small smile, as I walk over to my friends.

"And do what?" Mark asks suspiciously.

"You haven't cleaned Roger's room have you? You haven't gotten rid of any of his stuff?"

"No…why?"

"I was thinking we could do that tonight…I mean…we should at least clean it. We all know how messy that boy was." I say with a small laugh.

They all look at each other with a weak smile.

"You sure you'd be ok with doing that Meems?" Collins asks.

"Yes." They act like I'm a bomb just waiting to explode when they bring up Roger. "Look guys, you don't have to be like this around me all the time. I'm not gunna start shooting up just cuz you said Roger's name in front of me." They glanced at each other and said nothing.

"Mark, will you be okay?" I ask, ignoring the awkwardness that's starting to fill the room. He nods his head and smiles weakly at me and I smile back.

"Great…let's get going people. We don't have all night." I say as I walk into Roger's room. It's the first time I've been here since he died. His guitar still sits in the corner of the room, untouched with dust piling up on it. And his clothes lay on the floor. I don't know if they're clean or dirty, Roger was never the neat one of the group.

Joanne starts picking up the clothes, Mark makes the bed and Collins, Maureen and me clean out his closet. There's that candle that I left the first time we met and some of my clothes when I used to spend the night here.

"Look at this," We all turn around to face Collins holding a bunch of papers, "How many songs did that boy write? Some of these aren't even finished yet." Yeah, that's Roger. It takes him a full year to write a song, but when he finishes…it's the most amazing song we have ever heard. And I would give anything to hear him sing again, to hear his voice again.

"What's this?" I hear Maureen mutter under her breath. Collins looks over as I keep rearranging things in the closet. And I see Joanne and Mark making their way towards Maureen. "Mimi…"

I turn my head to see Maureen clutching a folded piece of notebook paper, lined with fringe on the side as it had been torn out of a notepad. She hands me the piece of paper and I slowly pull it from her fingers, confused. They all look at me expectantly and I slowly pull the torn edges of the paper from each other, revealing Roger's sloppy writing.

I slowly sit down on the bed as new tears come running down my face. I look up at them and see their sad faces looking down at me. I stare at the piece of paper and I could barely read the lines through my blurred vision.

_Mimi,_

_There's so much I wanna say, and not much time to say it. All I really need to write is "I love you Mimi Marquez" over and over again until my arm falls of, but I'll give you a little more to remember me by. _

This was a letter he wrote to me when he was in Santa Fe. I feel my hand start to shake and I hold the paper tighter to hold it steadily in front of my face.

_I'm sorry for putting you through all this. I'm sorry that I'm such a coward that I couldn't even stay for the one person I truly ever loved. But, with this letter, I wanna show you how much I really do care._

I wipe tears away from my face and sob quietly, trying to focus on the letter.

_Before I met you, I was lost and I was afraid to keep living. I didn't know what to do with myself; I just wanted to get out…to run away from everything. And every day I wonder why Mark is still my friend after all the bullshit I put him through._

I look up at Mark who was now leaning against the wall with his head down.

_But then I met you. Mimi, you made me wanna keep going. You made me realize that there was still so much left to live for. You taught me how to love again. _

I run my finger over an old wet mark on the paper. I suddenly pull away as I recognize what it was. A tearstain.

_Right now, I'm wishing I could feel your lips on mine, and hear your voice again. I'm wishing that I didn't have to be so selfish and stupid for leaving you like that, because with you, I feel whole again. I know that I never really showed affection and I know you think that I'm doing this because I don't love you anymore, but the truth is…I was scared…I still am. After April left me, I didn't think I could ever give my heart away again. But once I met you, I couldn't keep pretending that I didn't care. I wanted you there with me. And I can't even put in words how happy I was that night at the Life. _

_I wish I could take back everything I said before I left and I wish that wherever you are right now, that you're happy and safe. _

_I don't really know what else to say and I think this is enough for now, but before I go, just know that I love you…more than anything. Thank you for keeping me alive, thank you for giving me a reason to keep breathing. And most of all, thank you for loving me. _

_I can't wait to see you again, but until then, I love you, I miss you, and I'm sorry._

_-Roger_

I sob quietly and I find myself reading the last sentence over and over again. I can't help but wonder why I'm just finding all these things now…first the ring, and now this. It's almost as if God wants me to suffer more and more each day without Roger.

I slowly get up to make my way out of the loft, not saying another word to my friends. I guess I'm getting kind of scared now…and angry in a way. I just want things back to the way they were…I want Angel back…I want Roger back…

It's raining again. Why the fuck does it always have to rain when someone's depressed? Well, in a sense, the rain drops gives me a bit of comfort…at least I know that I'm not the only one crying tonight.

"Mimi?" I hear a voice call out to me and I turn around to see who it was.


	8. Chapter 8

"Benny…"

"What's the matter?" he asks softly. I haven't seen him since the funeral, and even then he didn't stay for long. One minute he was beside Collins and the next he was gone.

"Nothing…" I manage to say, wiping a mixture of rain and tears from my face.

"Well, you're obviously crying…and as far as I know, from experience, crying means there's something wrong."

"How do you know it's not the rain?" I ask, getting slightly annoyed…slightly.

"Look, are you okay or not?" he asks, frustration growing in his voice.

"I told you I'm fine."

He lets out a sigh. "Then why are you out in the rain like this?"

"Because I want to…" I turn my face, trying to stifle the sobs.

"Is this about Roger?"

"Holy fuck Benny. What's with all the interrogating?" I ask trying to sound as harsh as I could but I think it was more of a soft whisper than anything else.

He looks at me for a minute and shakes his head. "Fine, suit yourself." He says before walking away. Why am being such a bitch…I need comforting right now…and Benny's always been good at comforting me…

"Wait, Benny…" He turns around to face me again. "Where are you going?"

"Uhhh…my house?"

"Oh, right…is Alison home?"

He looks at me for a moment and shakes his head. "No…she's out of town with her parents."

"Oh…" We stand there for what seems like hours, looking around.

"Well, do you wanna stop by for some coffee or something?" he asks, breaking the awkward silence. I look at him and nod, not saying anything. He smiles at me and takes off his coat.

"Here…" He says as he puts it around my shoulders, "it's freezing out here."

"Make yourself at home Meems. I'll go and make us some coffee." He says as he shuts the door behind us. The house was beautiful. No wonder Benny hasn't dumped her yet; these people were ridiculously rich.

I sit down on their black leather couch and cast a look around as Benny walks back in the living room with two cups of coffee.

"So how've you been?" he asks as he hands me my cup and sits down beside me. It's been awhile since him and I have talked like this. I kinda missed it.

I shrug as I take a sip of my coffee, "Alright I guess…"

He nods his head and we both sit in silence with our coffee in hand.

"So how are you and Alison?" I ask, breaking the silence.

"Hmm? Oh…we're doing okay…I mean…every couple have an argument now and then." He says casually before taking a sip of his coffee.

I nod my head and let out a sigh. And we sit through another moment of silence.

"We've been fighting a lot lately." He points out.

"About what?" I ask putting my cup down on the table.

"Everything…" he says softly, "Sometimes I wonder why I put myself through this. I love her to death…but…damn. She can be so stubborn."

What exactly do I say to that? We all knew that Benny's only with Alison for the money. He always said he loves her…and we always said we knew better.

He looks at me with sad eyes and smiles. "But anyway…how are you holding up? I talked to Collins the other night."

Collins never told us he talked to Benny. Why wouldn't he tell us? "I'm not sure how I am right now…" I tell him truthfully.

He nods his head and absent-mindedly puts his hand on my knee. He realizes what he just did and pulls back quickly. "Sorry…"

"It's okay…" I say softly. I look up at him and he looks away. "Well I better go. They're probably looking for me…"

"Yeah…umm…I'll uhhh…walk you out." He says as he stands up. He walks me to the door and I turn around to face him.

"Thanks Benny." I begin to say, "It was really nice to see you again."

He nods his head and smiles. I reach in to give me a hug and he puts his hands on my back. I feel his lips brush against my cheek and before I get a chance to stop myself, my lips found his and he retaliates with a more passionate kiss.

One minute we were already outside, saying our goodbyes, the next we were on the bed in his bedroom, with our clothes thrown on the floor, my arms around his neck and he's kissing along my collarbone like Roger used to do…Roger…

"Benny…" I whisper, breathing deeply.

"Hmm…"

My mouth couldn't form the words I wanna say. He rubs my arm and kisses my lips softly. This isn't right…I thought this is what I needed…comfort…but…I'm not feeling any better than I did when I first walked in through the front door.

"Benny…I've gotta go…" I whisper softly, between breaths. He raises himself up with his arms so he's looking down at me. He stares at me for a moment and pulls away before lying on his back next to me.

"Do you remember when we were still together? Four years ago?" he says softly, staring at the ceiling, "Before I met Alison, and before you met Roger." I nod my head, not saying anything, "I told you that I loved you…do you remember?" I look at him and he looks back at me, "I wasn't lying…you probably thought I was…but I wasn't." He sits up on the bed and I do the same as I pull the blankets up to cover my body. He laughs to himself and shakes his head, "It's funny how things work out the way they do, don't they?"

I nod and I put my head on his shoulder. "But you still love her…and I still love Roger."

It was his turn to nod his head. "I still love Alison…and you love Roger…"

"I'm sorry for putting you through all this…" I whisper.

He shakes his head, "Don't be…"

_I smile to myself and he kisses the top of my head gently._


End file.
